Most of my life has been spent making content online. I was extremely ADHD about it when I was younger. It was usually always YouTube channels. I’d get a burst of extreme interest in a particular topic and then make an entire YouTube channel about it. Perhaps, I’d even make a few videos about said topic before losing interest in that and gaining it in a whole new topic.
You can see where this is going; endless YouTube channels with about nothing to show for it. Eventually, I shifted away from YouTube as I reached my young adulthood and focused more on art and instagram specifically. I've been doing that loosely consecutively (without massive breaks of time) for about five years now. That's about the extent of time I've spent on developing one brand or identity online without moving onto a whole other brand entirely. That brand is Uproote. And thankfully, I have no intention of ever leaving Uproote for something else entirely like I have so many times before. Uproote is a part of me now. It embodies who I am and what role I intend to play in this world.
Yet, I've never garnered much success on anything I've done online thus far. Sure, that's likely not been helped by the fact I moved between brands/identities for most of the time I've spent on online content creation. Yet, even now with 5 semi-consistent years sticking behind one thing, I'm still an extremely small content creator.
And truly, over the years, that has created a pretty prevelent case of imposter syndrome where I'm forced into thinking this was never meant for me. Not even mentioning the fact I also help small businesses and people increase their brand online, which only compounds the possibility of imposterity in my mind.
Of course, I've prevailed over these past 12 years of my life. Regardless of how many times I stopped, I have always just started back up again. It always comes back. I've worked myself into a professional career as a graphic artist, video editor, social media manager across both my day job and as a freelancer. I am extremely happy I've made it this far but can't help that I feel like I'm maybe just... bad at it? Or not meant for it?
And I suppose that's where the question comes in. Do I just keep going and keep trying just because I like it and want to? Does my desire to do it outweigh the fear of the possibility that I may never become "successful" at it?
I think I do. I think it does.
I mean, in many ways by merely being in the professional field of graphic design; by simply having a few clients, I have succeeded so far beyond what I could've realistically imagined for myself at 17 years old working at McDonald's. I am making a livable wage off something I dreamed of being apart of when I was younger. Is that enough?
In many ways, it is. In many others, it's not nearly enough. And that creates such a conundrum to consider. Perhaps even considering the conundrum itself is problematic haha.
Nonetheless, I am still an employee of a business owner. I am not some self-sustained entreprenuerialistic online creator that I always hoped to be. My independence has always been very important to me and I think the idea of being tied to an employer has always grinded my gears. Living it now, it makes sense why I've wanted that for so long. I still very much do lol. And I think that's a good goal to work towards. Even though it's almost entirely another way of life, and I'm not exactly sure what is held on the other side, I still strive for it. I yearn for it.
I don't want to stop until I have genuinely helped people with a problem they are facing. I don't want to stop until I've made an impact on this world. And yes, maybe that comes from the desire for people to find value in me. But even deeper, I want to create value within myself to make young Mickey proud. That's what I want.
And that's where the imposter syndrome really starts breaking down. It becomes merely just another state of mind of the many state of minds I possess and regularly cycle through. I've put as much weight on that state of mind as I do the one where I'm feeling inspired and want to share myself and my thoughts with you. But I'm realizing slowly it's alright if I don't meet the lofty goals I set for myself long ago. It's alright if I just pursue these passionate endeavors for the sake of pursuing them and not for necessarily succeeding.
So yes, even if I suck at it, even if I never achieve this idyllic state of what I've dreamed of for so long, I'm going to keep trying. In spite of the fear. In spite of the downfalls that may come. In spite of the world crumbling. I am going to keep finding and building my hope until that's all I can see around me.
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